New Pill Grows Third Arm!

I hate to bring out the cliche here, but Detroit did not get revenge for last year’s World Series with this weekend’s sweep of St. Louis. The Cards still have the rings. All Detroit got this weekend was three more W’s on the long road to capture what they gave away last October.

With that said, the Cards are an awful team right now. The pitching sucks. The offense sucks. The managing sucks. The chemistry sucks. It’s a complete train wreck, a total, unequiviqual, all-consuming, exhaustive, outright suck-fest.

With that said, this is not over. 9.5 games behind the Brewers in May is nowhere close to insurmountable. Just remember I said that when they make their run right before the All-Star break.

Sidney Ponson got the ax from Minnesota. I’m not sure why this makes me happy, and I’m pretty sure that makes me somewhat of a bad person. I don’t wish him ill will as a person, just as a player.

Jeff Weaver on the other hand ...

(Fine. I’ll back off on Weav for a bit. He’s on the DL with a bad shoulder and it looks like he may be out for a bit. Get well, Jeff.)

(I’ll do anything for some good baseball karma, even if it means wishing Jeff Weaver good luck. Fine, Ponson, too. Nothing but the best, Sidney. I’m that desperate.)

Tank Johnson needs to get a full year suspension like Pacman Jones. Johnson’s gun charges sent him to jail. Pacman has not been convicted of anything. So why would Johnson, a repeat offender just like Pacman, get less?

Speaking of suspensions, I’m hoping Pro Bowl returner Justin Miller gets at least 1 game after being arrested early Sunday (after a police chase) and charged with third-degree assault after a fight at a New York City nightclub. The 23-year-old allegedly punched a woman after the man he was swinging at ducked out of the way. The Jets host the Pats in Week 1.

And because no conversation about miscreant NFL players can take place without the Bengals: “Suspended Bengals receiver Chris Henry failed a court-ordered drug test and will have to serve 88 days in jail, a prosecutor said Monday.”

Moral high ground! Moral high ground! Curses be upon thee! Curses, I say!

(For the record, his agent says it’s not true. If I’m going to stick up for Ricky Williams, I guess I have to stand up for Henry as well.)

Andruw Jones’ line from yesterday: 0-5, 5 KO. Thanks pal. Thanks a lot. I’m so glad I picked you in the second round of my fantasy draft. Really, I am.

I don’t like Maroon 5.

The more I hear him speak, the more I hope Connecticut Sen. Chris Dodd makes a real run at the Democratic nomination. He and maybe-maybe-not Republican candidate Newt Gingrich had a quality debate on Meet the Press this Sunday.

Kentucky pulling out of its road half of the home and home with UMass is a pussy move, plain and simple. (And so is new coach Billy Gillispie deferring comment to AD Mitch Barnhart.)

Speaking of bad things happening to Massachusetts basketball teams, tomorrow night we find out whether Celtic karma has finally turned back to good, or if the Leprechaun will remain in slumber for another decade or longer. Come onnnnnnnn, #2 pick! (I may be one of the few left with this opinion, but I’d rather have Kevin Durant.)

Headline from CNN.com: “New pill aims to stop women's periods.” Now, I’m all for family planning. Birth control is good (sorry Pope). But how much money are we spending to, in essence, intentionally replicate the aftermath of a nuclear disaster? What’s next? A pill that can grow you a third arm? (Just think of the foreplay!) A pill that makes all your hair fall out? (No more messy waxing!) A cream that gives you cancer? (Weight loss has never been this easy! And you can eat whatever you want!)

In the race between Barry Bonds breaking the home run record and Alberto Gonzales resigning, AG is pulling ahead. I bet you he’s gone by week’s end.

You know, I completely forgot Joe Rogan used to be on NewsRadio. Anyway, his stand-up special is on Showtime tonight if you’re interested. It’s got some laughs.

I would have put the chances of Junior Seau coming back to the Pats at zero percent after he broke his arm last year. But word is he’s signed up for another go-round.

(I’m starting to get very nervous. The Pats have almost added too many new pieces. It’s like when the Lakers went out to get Gary Payton and Karl Malone to go along with Shaq and Kobe. Sometimes you can have too much talent, too many “legends.” I have an overwhelming fear that something bad is going to happen.)

Poor Lane Garrison. The actor who played Tweener on Prison Break is now likely facing a real prison stint after pleading guilty to vehicular manslaughter and two other alcohol-related charges stemming from the December car crash that killed a 17-year-old boy and injured two others. I would think the last thing you would want going into a prison setting is to have already played the part of a prison snitch/abuse victim. And I don’t know exactly what the name “tweener” refers to, but I’m guessing it’s not very macho. Good luck, dude.

The Yankees would be stupid to fire Joe Torre. It’s like getting divorced just because you had a fight. These things happen. Relax. There’s no way in hell the Yanks could ever do better than Joe. He’s a great manager.

If you didn’t tune into the Cory Spinks-Jermain Taylor fight on Saturday, you didn’t miss much. Well, unless you enjoy watching a boxer run away from a fight like a scared puppy from a vacuum cleaner. If that’s the case, Spinks is your kind of guy.

The undercard fight between Kelly Pavlik and Edison Miranda, on the other hand, was a quality spectacle. For all the shit I talk about boxing sucking compared to the UFC (which it does as a whole), I’ve got to give Pavlik all due credit. The Youngstown, Ohio, native put on a show, and should get Taylor’s next fight. Then reminding me why boxing sucks, Taylor said after his fight that though Pavlik deserves a shot at the belt, he will fight for the most money, no matter who puts it on the table.

And perhaps that’s the biggest difference between the UFC and boxing. In the UFC, the matchmakers put together the fights the people want to see. That’s how they build their brand and make the most money. But in boxing, all the power is in the hands of the promoters and fighters. If a challenger doesn’t want to let the champ take 75 percent of the purse, the champ can walk away and fight somebody else. And because there are multiple belts for the various governing bodies, there’s no way to reign in the greed and force the sport back into a fan-driven business.

For a well-argued column on what’s ailing boxing, check out this from Andres Antonio Carriedo on talkingboxing.com. I don’t think he gives enough respect to the complexity of mixed martial arts, and he would certainly take umbridge with my characterization of Spinks, but I can appreciate his defense of the art of defense. It’s a good read. http://www.talkingboxing.com/articles/2007/carriedomay21.html